have anyone ever felt that they are trapped and thats its a loop with no way to get out. I have these dreams again and again different but always ending with a loop with no end or no future.
Sometimes i dream of falling from a great height and its a dark hall and i'm falling and falling and keep on falling i try doing something but cant as there is nothing to hold on to i just keep on falling in that darkness and after trying to move or set my self free i just keep waiting to touch the end but its no where to be seen its been so long that i'm falling that i dont even care what will happen if i crash at the ground after falling from such a height i just want to end the fall but i keep on falling hopeless with nothing to do and so frustrated that i'm even ready to die when i hit the ground i just want to stop falling in these darkness but its seems like never ending........
Sometimes i have a dream that i'm running i dont know towards something or away from something but i have to keep on running and then i see an intersection with lots of options to choose from and i choose 1 of them but after running in that direction for hours i find myself back at the same intersection so try other way but the same thing happens again and again and all ways lead me back to the same intersection. I'm tired of running so much but i need to get out of it without any idea how to do it... i have tried everything but still trapped i tried all the ways again but still no solution they all lead back to same place again and again and after sometime the intersection start disappearing and it all turn into a desert with nothing to choose from i'm all alone tired and surrounded by deserts hopeless not knowing what to do now with no end or future....
Every country gave their citizens rights like right to freedom, right to vote, right to drive and many others. But i want to know wat these rights means. I mean their is a age limit to exercise many of ur rights... after certain age u even have right to vote to elect who will rule ur country then wats the age when we can exercise other rights like right to speech, right to freedom ... ur free will to do stuff as u please i mean within the law ofcourse. I mean when u r a kid u need to obey ur teachers and parents n do stuff wat they feel is ryt to u but my question is u'll always be a child for ur parents so when do can we exercise our these rights.
Specially if u live with ur family do u ever can take big decisions without asking ur elders abt it. I mean i want to do a lot of stuff seriously a lot but sometimes i'm even afraid of asking my parents abt doing it... its not that the stuff is wrong but its difficult to make them understand as i feel the way people look at life is different for different people and moreover there is a greater fact called the age difference ryt so i wonder when will i get my right to use my rights.... that sounds funny but its not funny for me. Sometimes i feel i'm trapped but then y i cant do the stuff i want to y it is difficult for children to make their parents understand wat they like or not. I wonder even if the government have the ryt to give these rights to us(hahahhaha thats funny too......) as the final is decision is not ours.
Sometimes i feel i should live separately on my own but leaving ur parents for ur selfish motives is it also ryt??? But the question is when i live my life for me? Y we r so trapped in relations that we always live for others when we will i use our ryt to freedom n live for me. Is it selfish to feel to live as u want for sometime atleast n if not then when is the time i mean ryt time for that???
Do anyone know how many times a person can check his/her phone in a day ... countless trust me still hoping for a reply n checking my phone again and again ..... but still no reply. Yesterday night i was wondering wat happened i mean to me suddenly y i was so much interested in him again???..... I was wondering is it my love for him or i still care for him or is it something else. Do i want to know how is he doing these days or its just that i'm worried if he is enjoying his life after hurting me so much. Yesterday i was really wondering wat kind of person i am a good person or an evil selfish person. Do i really hate him or i like the feeling of being in pain n suffering. He gave me things i could never expect to have in my life given wat my situation is. he made me feel the strong feeling of love, the flirting n care of a relationship, lying to people arnd u to meet each other n it was all very wonderful. Wat if he hurted me if he wouldn't have been there i would have never felt so much n in a way it was good he hurted me it was a way to finish things as sometime or another it has to die. I was living a dream hoping a future for me with him but i always knew it was never possible so did i use him to feel all that n then blame him for hurting me or i was really hurt n wanted a future with him.
Knowing my family i know now there was no future for any relationship ... do i know it then too.... i guess i did knew then y i did wat i did. Sometimes i feel i did it just to have this pain so that i can atleast have a feeling even if its pain to support me my whole life. But y now y i'm thinking abt him so much now. I was not thinking abt him so much the last whole month then y now. I feel as if i'm an evil pain creature who loves to be in pain n give others pain too. Knowing that he is not thinking abt me made me realize he can be happy n i'm wondering how can he be happy after hurting me or it was his birthday n me not able to wish him made me think abt him so much....... I feel i'm fighting with myself not knowing who i really am???
Yesterday he finally msg'd me. Day before yesterday when i was waiting for his call or msg he didn't but yesterday he did and i liked it. I know i'm being selfish i mean how can i still expect things from him we r not together anymore n i'm the one forcing him to move on but i still liked it n how stupid ofme i replied to his msg too. I controlled my self the whole day on his birthday that i will not wish him , i will not talk to him and his one msg made me soft n i wished him belated happy birthday. And i dont know y but the whole day again i waited for his reply but he didnt reply. I wish i could msg him n ask for a reply or scold him as he haven't replied to my msg but i know its wrong n i cant do it. How can i keep holding him back he needs to move on and moreover i dnt know wat i want. i dont want to be with him but i still love him. Is it becoz he was my first love or he was the one whom i loved so much .... more than anyone in my life but watever the case is we cant be together so he need to move on and for that i need to stay away from him. and now i'm angry on myself that y did i msg'd him and still wondering y didnt he replied...... OMG i'm such a confused person i need to be strong i cant let both of us go through the same pain again ....i need to sort out my feelings on my own n i need to make him move frwd with his life. I just wish from time to time i can know how is he or wats gng on with his life but i know it's not possible n i cant be selfish.
Yesterday was his birthday and the whole day and night i was thinking about him. And why not he was the only one i have ever open my heart too ... he is one i have loved so so much and i guess i still love him thats why i was so irritated whole day as i was not wishing him. I cant wish him he need to move frwd n finally he has stopped msging me so now i feel he'llmove frwd with his life. But i guess i do miss him he was the only left i was talking too and today i was also wondering why i still love him so much???
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Previous PostsTo be trapped in a loop, posted November 8th, 2012
Free Will, posted October 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
Still waiting, posted October 2nd, 2012, 1 comment
Why do i still hope, posted October 1st, 2012
I Guess I still love him, posted September 30th, 2012, 1 comment
How can ur relatives be so heartless, posted September 1st, 2012
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